Asking Difficult Questions

Page updated: 31/05/2023

If, as a manager, you suspect that an employee is experiencing domestic abuse, they should facilitate a conversation to be able to discuss this and identify and implement appropriate support. Shying away from the subject can perpetuate fear of stigma and increase feelings of anxiety.   However, if the employee is working remotely from home, please exercise extreme caution since the abuser could be monitoring the victim overtly or covertly.  If possible and safe to do so, arrange to meet the employee in one of the Council’s buildings where the abuser has no access, and you can hold a private and confidential discussion. 

 Indirect Questions

Managers should ask the employee indirect questions, to help establish a relationship with the employee and develop empathy.  Often employees will not feel confident in speaking up, so someone else making the first move to begin a conversation can be key.  

Here are some examples of questions that could be used but use your judgement and be sensitive to the particular circumstances before opening the conversation – 

  • How are you doing at the moment?  
  • Are there any issues you’d like to discuss with me?  
  • I have noticed recently that you are not yourself. Is anything the matter?  
  • Are there any problems or reasons that may be contributing to your frequent sickness absence/underperformance at work?  
  • Is everything alright at home?  
  • What support do you think might help? What would you like to happen? How?  

Avoid victim-blaming. It is important that managers are able to provide a non-judgemental and supportive environment.  

Respecting the employee’s boundaries and privacy is essential.  

Respect an employee’s decisions about their relationship and understand that a victim of domestic abuse may make a number of attempts to leave their partner before they are finally able to do so. It’s important that managers are aware of the effects of coercive control.  

 Direct Questions

Your role as a manager is not to deal with the abuse itself but to address the workplace effects of domestic abuse by making it clear to employees that they will be supported, making them aware of the workplace policy, outlining what help is available, and signposting them to professional sources of support. 

Where it appears an employee is displaying signs of physical assault or injury, the manager should ask direct questions to prompt the employee to discuss any possible experiences of domestic abuse. 

The following question must be asked with great sensitivity and care: 

  • “I am sorry to ask you this and I don’t wish to cause you any offence, but I notice that you have a number of bruises/cuts/burns etc.  Can you tell me how you got your injuries?”

Once it has been established that there maybe or is a problem related to domestic abuse, it might be useful to ask the employee the following direct questions:  

  • Have you ever been slapped/kicked/punched etc, by your partner? 
  • Do you feel frightened of your partner or someone else at home? 
  • Are you currently in a relationship where you are experiencing abuse? 
  • Does your partner lose their temper with you? If so what happens to you as a result? 
  • Has your partner threatened to hurt you or your children? 
  • Does your partner get jealous of you seeing friends, talking to other people, going out? If so, what happens? 
  • Does your partner blame alcohol or drugs for the behaviour towards you?

 Next Steps

Whether you are a manager or work colleague you can offer support when a disclosure is made: 

Listen – try to understand and take care not to apportion blame. 

Tell – them they are not alone and you can help. 

Acknowledge – it takes strength to trust someone enough to talk to them about experiencing abuse.  It is a frightening and very difficult situation to experience. 

Time – allow time for the victim to talk, but do not push them into too much detail. 

Reassure – that no one deserves to be threatened or beaten, despite what the abuser has told them.  Nothing they can do or say can justify the abuser’s behaviour.

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